I hate being alone during Drama time.
I'm not always alone 'cos there's Biru and Kanchan...
But if they're not in Drama on some Drama days cause of their studies,
I'm mostly alone...
And even though I feel so lonely,
I'm kind of happy that I can be alone...
I'm weird.
And I know that.
I read too much.
I know that too.
While everybody in the Drama Club goes hyper,
More or less I'll be the only one (and a few others like Kanchan, Yani...) down-to-earth.
I know that.
I'm pretty much used to being alone.
After all, I was and probably still am in the Drama Club considered as an 'outcast'.
I was alone when I was 7, 9, 10 and 11 years of age...
I don't know the reason why I'm always alone.
I guess I never will.
But one thing I know.
Is that I can have friends in Drama.
But I will never have friends that will stick by me in the Drama Club.
I'm not like them.
They think they're cool.
But I don't think so.
I'm going to admit this,
And I'm sure none of them will ever speak to me again if they read this.
But...
While they go for Drama with ecstatic hearts,
With joy and happiness and laughter,
I go there with a dreadful heart.
I'm afraid to step into the Black Box.
Afraid to even look at their shining faces,
So full with thrill and limitless smiles.
They might think I do not care,
I do.
But not as much I used to.
I used to dream of going for Drama everyday.
But then,
As the days went by,
The months passed,
The year dissolved.
I told myself,
That I was lucky Drama was only on Tuesdays and Fridays...
I even wanted to change my CCA because I felt I wasn't welcomed in their (as they call it) 'AWESOME FAMILY!!!".
I wanted to join the Chinese Orchestra.
Where Neha and Xian Hui and Li Ying are.
But the teachers from the C.O told me that Performing Arts transfer (P.A-P.A) is impossible.
I was disappointed,
Of course.
But then it struck me.
I had chosen to join Drama.
I had wanted it.
I worked hard to get into the Drama Club.
And after a year I'm giving up?
I scolded myself.
I wanted to like and love the Drama Club like I used to (until I realised I wasn't really welcomed).
I'm not exaggerating.
In my view this is how it is.
But I'm not saying you should take my side.
They have their reasons for being like this.
This has befallen on me only because it's my fault.
My own.
Being alone has always been my forte.
I'm proud to be in the CCA Drama Club.
But I'll never be proud being a member of the Drama Club.
Then again,
As I think of it.
Life in the outside world is so much harder.
I must strive to be stronger.
I keep thinking of the day the Sec 4's and 3's will be going...
Perhaps that will be the day I can finally feel welcomed...
Because it is the Upper Sec that make me uncomfortable.
But for now...
I can only be alone...
*A.C*
Don't pity me.